When we have a child with Pathological Demand Avoidance (or we strongly suspect PDA which is maybe as close to knowing as we can get right now) we start reading up and researching, a lot!
We start to research, & find out about the best strategies to support our child and the best way to nurture an environment in which we can all feel well and thrive in life again.
Sometimes that’s something we are searching for from a place of real struggle and pain and that needs to be acknowledged for the healing to begin for everyone.
We ALL want what’s best for our children, and all the beautiful souls in our care on this planet. We want them all to eat well, feel good, like themselves, have opportunities and thriving relationships in life.
Sometimes the life path that others in society are following happens to work out OK for us, we fit at least enough into the the majority, and then sometimes that same path works against our wellbeing and the opportunity to live a purposeful and joyous life.
Most families have a lot at stake and want to get things ‘right’ more desperately than anyone will ever know.
Right for their child’s wellbeing, and for the whole family too.
Right for their child’s education and access to maximise opportunities in life!
Right for their child’s chances to build relationships and have have fun & play!
Trust me, we put waaay to much pressure on ourselves!
We don’t need anymore Thankyou.
We come across goldmines like Facebook groups with other PDA parents in, & ‘The PDA Society’ website and we start to realise we are not alone and there is no blame here! Phew!
That’s a massive relief and we set about finding out all the best ways to finally give our child the best of support and we, as advised by the experts, make adjustments to their environment. We see massive changes and all seems to finally be coming together. We start to see the light shine through.
Sometimes those adjustments are extreme by societies standards including alternative educational paths like home education which has a great deal of biased media coverage atm in the U.K., but all of the accommodations are worth it because of the relief they bring for everyone.
Oh, except there is blame!
There is blame everywhere – ouch! & pressure too, mostly from those who have no idea of the reasons for the choices we’ve made and offer no viable alternative solution either.
Just because we have a diagnosis or we have self discovered the approach that best supports our child and we follow the wonderful advice with amazing results! It sadly, somehow, doesn’t seem to make that blame culture up and vanish.
What’s not talked about much and I’m really passionate about as someone who is a parent themselves and has worked offering parent support, is the environment of the parents of these amazing children!
The physical and emotional environment alike.
Ross Greene says children will do all if they can! I believe that.
I believe that PEOPLE do well if they can!
But, parents are presumed incompetent in our culture and that without adding the complexities of the little understood PDA diagnosis into the mix.
If a child isn’t developing within strict parameters then the parents are sent on parenting classes where one size must fit all and the classes are not exactly optional if they are the only gateway to further support (which they mostly are.)
This kind of conditional support is not in my opinion support, it is control and adds immensely to the extreme pressure the families are under.
So many parents couldn’t get out to the class even if they wanted to –
another layer of blame right there.
With a ‘Do it my way or the highway’ approach to (cough) support, no wonder many parents decide to find their own path.
Just as our children cannot thrive in an environment where they feel controlled, us parents cannot best facilitate their wellbeing when we are having our strings yanked or are living in fear or under ridiculous pressure.
As a note to my parent tribe –
We have nothing to explain, justify, or apologise for!
Change makers always get slack as we shake up the norm. We are in this together and we need to take great care of ourselves both physically and emotionally.
We can practice together building our inner strength muscles and shine out as we show how well, happy, fun, successful, and glorious this life of #peacewithpda is for us. Soon they will wonder what our secret is and come asking the questions we have been nudged into exploring for a long time.
Don’t close your doors or your heart. There are many wonderful people out there with so much to offer you and your children.
Be happy, be strong, be love & light friends @peacewithpda